On Ridiculous Ground
by biowon
Summary: Steven Seagal have to stop the evil Terroil company from destroying Alaska, and extract vengence for his murdered family... Rated G for Gibberish


On ridiculous ground

Or= Okey lads, let´s try and make a good movie manuscript for once

Av Erik Gullback

All content © Erik Gullback, 2008, except Steven Seagal, who is © and ® himself. As this is a parody, I reserve the right to mock him and his horrible films.

Steven Seagal was a happy man. He lived in Alaska with his wife and young son. Their house was a cozy igloo, because Steven was a half-inuit. On the days he worked as chief of security on a major oil company, Terroil. One day, an oil plattform started burning. Steven was ordered to blow it up, because an explosion steals all of the oxygen from the fire, thus putting it out. Steven became suspicious about the equipment that had been used on the oilplatform before the fire, so he checked out what had been used. He discovered that the equipment was in a bad shape and that Terroil had used it with the intention that the platform would break so that they could cash in on their fat insurance. Steven became very mad, because a lot of people had died, even more were in the hospital and boatloads of oil had leaked out into the ocean, all because that infernal platform broke. At that moment, the boss of Terroil, Pipeline Jones, his friend Bonebreak Ramsay and a heap of lawyers arrived on the spot. One of the lawyers said "as chief of security, you have some explaining to do." Steven said "Pipeline, what is this?" Bonebreak answered "we have reason to believe that you failed with keeping the platform up to security standards, if this is true you will have to pay dama-" Steven interrupted him and said "bullshit, I know that you used faulty equpment on that platform, I´m going to the police!" He walked away. Pipeline Jones spoke to Bonebreak Ramsay "follow him. Make sure that he. . . disappears. His family too." Bonebreak nodded and went after Steven.

Soon they were both out in the wasteland and drove after the road in their own separate car. Steven noticed that he was being followed so he increased his speed. Bonebreak did the same and intended to ram Steven´s car into the forest. The motor in Steven´s car unfortunately stopped temporarily, which gave Ramsay enough time to shove Steven into the forest. Steven´s car hit a tree about twenty meters off the road. The airbags went off, and Steven fainted. Bonebreak took out a stick of dynamite, walked up to Stevens car, opened the door, lit the fuse and put it in Stevens hand. Bonebreak said "Good bye, Steven." and walked to his car and drove away.

Little did he know that the fuse had fallen off and burned harmlessly on the ground. After an hour Steven woke up, saw a picture of himself, his wife and son on the dashboard, and remebered his family. He started running home as fast as he could. They were surely in danger. He found a bicycle, and used it to get home quickly. His igloo had melted away, and in the watery ruins he saw the charred bodies that his wife and son had left behind. Words cannot describe the grief, pain and anger that he felt. He shed a tear and swore that the greedy people of Terroil would pay, after which he got to his weapons cache. There he got a shotgun, an MP5, a bag of handgranades, FIM-92 Stinger, ten micro-Uzis and enough C-4 to sink the whole Italian peninsula. Well, pollution and raw murder is enough to tick anyone off. He loaded the lot of the weapons in a Humvee and picked down his katana-sword from a pillow in the middle in the center of the death-factory. He put the sword in a scabbard which he hung around the belt, and then mounted his Humvee and drove to Terroil´s main office.

He smashed straight through the main gate, decapitated the guards and blew up the oiltrucks. Now Pipeline Jones sent in his henchmen, who were immediately butchered by Stevens many micro-Uzis. An armada of helicopters, armed with miniguns, arrived at the battlefield. Stevens FIM-92 Stinger, which is well-suited against aerial targets, turned the helicopters into scrapmetal. Then Steven stormed the main building with an Uzi in one hand and his MP5 in the other. He massacrered his way to the roof, where Jones and Bonebreak Ramsay were preparing to escape with a helicopter. "PIPELINE! Your time polluting the world is over!" Steven shouted as he mowed down bad guys with his shotgun. "You die here and now, Seagal!" Bonebreak yelled back and answered the gunfire with his AK 47. At that moment, the helicopter arrived. It hovered over the battlefield before Steven shot a bullet in the pilots head. The helicopter flew wildly away and crashed in a pipeline. Bonebreak stormed Stevens position, an attack that failed when Ramsay dropped down from the tower with twohundered shotgun slugs in his head. Now only Steven and Pipeline remained. "I can give you money, I can make you rich, just, spare me!" Pipeline begged. Steven tied him with a rope to a railing. "You kill too many for that." Steven said and poured all the explosives he had left on Pipeline. "You kill the ocean, you kill people, you killed my family." Steven took a remote detonator, catched the elevator down and calmly walked away while everything exploded behind his back.

The end

Deleted scenes

The parts that the original simply didn´t have room for (which means that the deadline was approaching too fast, but this is a special edition so I can put them all in) or didn´t fit in for various reasons.

The Epilogue scene

This was supposed to put an end to the entire story, a parody off the ending of Steven Seagals film "On deadly ground" from 1994 (in fact, this whole story is a parody off mainly "On Deadly Ground", but not entirerly. . .).

After Steven was done with Terroil, he went to the inuit´s high council, and asked for permission to hold a speech about the environment. Despite Steven´s to say the least violent outbreak the police didn´t bother him, because in Alaska there is no laws or police (this was before I decided that Steven was on his way to the police when Bonebreak Ramsay pushed him into the forest, killed his family and Steven decided to take the law into his own hands, with spectacular results. You can pretty much just remove the part about Alaska being a lawless state and consider it official canon). Steven spake to about fifty old inuit chieftains (gray-haired old men) who listened with faked interesest. Seagal talked about how obsolete the internal combustion engine is, how great the need for a better fuel is and endless complaining about how filthy the earth is, about how it will become uninhabitable and so polluted that not even cockroaches can live on it. Unfortunately most inuits became så incredibly bored that they left twelve hours before Steven was done talking ("unfortunately" is probably the wrong word to use here, considering the fact that the inuits were planing on scalping Steven for wasting their time when he was done. Steven would surely have tried to resist, but inuits in particular and America´s indigenous peoples in general are so kick-ass in combat that he would have lost anyway). When the sun rose Steven was finally finished, and he asked the traditional question about if someone want to ask a question, whereupon one lone, tired chief raised his hand. "Yes? You in the corner." Steven said. "Why did you spend nearly fourteen hours with enlightening us about things we already know?" An awkward silence followed.

The end

The "Pocahontas and John Rolf"-scene

This isn´t just a single scene but a collection of various ideas that were meant to expand Steven´s relations with the inuits (and to make myself guilty of stereotyping the inuits). A romantic relationship with an inuitian woman (the chieftain´s daughter, even!) seemed like a good way to do just that, which explains the titel. With time however I decided that Steven would have a wife and son to give the whole revenge story the pressure that it needs and abandoned the idea Steven would come out in the middle of nowhere and bump into a tribe that accepted him as a member. Another reason was that I could not come up with a good reason for Steven to wander around in no-man´s land, wounded and near death, under a raging blizzard.

So now Steven wandered around in no-man´s land under a raging blizzard, wounded and near death (like Steven could actually die!). He collapsed, tired and hungry (and just a little euphoric from the severe bloodloss). Within short came, conveniently, a dog sled, controlled by a kind soul who hauled Steven on the sled and drove away.

Steven woke up. He did not know where he was, but it looked like the animalskin-covered inside of an inuit tent /which it also was). He noticed that he was lying on a comfortable pile of hides, and that he was being watched by a woman. "Where am I?" Steven asked her. "In safety." The woman said with a soft voice. "I found you in the blizzard and took you to my father. He is a cunning medicine man." Steven rose slightly from the "bed" and said "You?" "Yes." Her eyes shined in the light of a kerosene lamp. Steven rose further, but was afflicted by a terrible pain in his back. "Rest now and lie down." The woman said, grabbed his shoulders and brought him down in the "bed". Soon the woman´s father came, and while they waited Steven did not only learn the woman´s name (Pokamontas) but also that Pokamontas´ father not only was medicine man, but also chieftain (whose name Pokerwathan, leader of the Schiwa-huanig´atol-anivaschikauva´le-antiva-tribe). With time Steven´s power returned to him, and he became an accepted member of the tribe. But then the time came for Steven to stop Pipeline Jones and his plans to make money at the environment´s expense.

"I promise to stop Pipeline Jones and his plans to make money at the environment´s expense." Steven said . Pokerwathan mumbled something on indianese to his daughter, who translated : "Now the white man shall at last have his bottoms spanked for a change. Go and help the environment by doing what you do best. When you are done, you are welcome back here; we will offer you shelter, and we could use someone like you." Steven nodded and took off on his borrowed dog sled.

The Bugh Falmer-scene

Initially, Steven was supposed to have a friend, Bugh, who died a brutal death in the sadistic care of Bonebreak. Bugh was the one who tipped Steven that the equipment on the oilplatform was in a bad shape, and would therefore die. This idea was scrapped because the entire scene became "too violent" (as if Steven´s attack against Terroil´s main building wasn´t violent!) and it just didn´t feel good enough.

Bugh sat at his computer in his house, a small log cabin out in nowhere. He checked the condition of the material that had been used on the oil platform prior to the accident, and could confirm that it was damaged, just like he had said to his pal Steven. Suddenly the door bell rang and Bonebreak Ramsay walked in. "Hey there Bugh, you old bandit!" he said and walked into the computer room (Bugh barely had enough time to close down the porn site). He made an effort to appear as if Bugh was his friend. "I heard that you talked to Steven about some, shall we say, sensitive information." He looked at the screen and realised that Bugh knew about the equipment. "That´s right, I know all about the equipment that was used on the platform, and don´t even think that you can silence me!" Bugh sat up from the chair and tried to go away, but Bonebreak grabbed him and put him down in the chair again. "But, old buddy, where are you goin´? I thought that we could have some," Bonebreak took a hammer that was lying about "fun!" he shouted while he hit Bugh i the head with the hammer. And then he tied Bught to the chair while he was groggy. "Well, didn´t we have a nice little relationship, didn´t we? But then you broke it when you let Steven in on a little secret. I know that you know where he is, so tell me now, where is he?" Bugh spat Bonebreak in the face. "You should not have done that." Bonebreak said, wiped himself with the arm of his shirt and took out the hammer. "So, now you are going to tell me everything I wanna know. For every answer you get wrong you will be left with one less finger (now, the fingers weren´t actually crushed so bad that they fell off, just enough to crush the bones and making them impossible to use). So now I´m asking you again, where is Steven?" Bugh looked at him with a sour face. "Goatfucker." he said calmly. "Wrong answer." Bonebreak took Bughs right arm, pressed the thumb against a table and hit it with all his might. Bugh screamed loud. "Where is Steven!?" Bonebreak shouted. "I don´t know!" "Wrong answer again!" and so he hit Bugh´s index finger with the hammer. "Well!?" Bugh suffered from severe pain but said nothing. Bang, another finger was gone. "I say nothing!" Bugh screamed. Now Bonebreak got really mad and grabbed a hunting rifle that Bugh had hanging on the wall as decoration. He loaded it and aimed it at Bugh´s head. "This is your last chance. Tell me where Steven is or die." Again, Bugh spat on Bonebreak. "You just answered wrong for the last time." He squeezed the trigger and turned Bugh´s head into a messy mixture of blood, water, brain mass and bone fragments that went in all directions.


End file.
